Random Thought

When something's over, it's over. It can never start again. When it's broken you can never put back the pieces. Life is not the way you want it to be. When you know that someone's hurting you so much, just stop. We know that it hurts a lot, but you must learn to let go things. Don't push yourself too hard. Coz we all know, that in every ending, there's such a thing that we call the beginning.

#4 CLAIM YOUR LOVED ONES FOR GOD

"My child (mother, brother, husband, etc.) is growing closer to God. Deep inside his heart, the Holy Spirit is busy working, changing and transforming him. He is set free from all his addictions. He will fulfill God's purpose for his life. I declare that, as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. In Jesus' name!"

#3 CLAIM YOUR HEALTH AND HEALING

"With long life, He satisfies me and shows me His salvation. I'm getting better and better every day. I am getting stronger and stronger every day. The power of healing is flowing through my body, mind and spirit. New health, new joy, new peace and new hope are increasing within me. In Jesus' name!"

Strengthening Faith

Bro. Bo Sanchez doesn't fail to inspire me with his books. I have already collected three and many more in the future. The first one I already made a blog here. And now I would blog about the second which is entitled "How Your Words Can Change Your  World". It talks about how powerful words are and it might change your entire life perspective - from destructive negative faith to powerful positive faith. There are also 31 Faith Declarations from Bro. Bo which he dares us to say for the next 31 days - with joy and conviction - and we'll see what changes will happen to our future. So for now I would post the first two declarations here and the others for the comings days.

#1 CLAIM FOR A BLESSED LIFE

"I declare I'll have a super-blessed life! I claim a life of amazing abundance. For the rest of my life, I shall receive more love and give more love. I shall experience greater generosity, dreams fulfilled, financial increase, open doors, new opportunities, divine connections, supernatural appointments, great miracles, answered prayers and exponential growth. In Jesus' name!"

#2 CLAIM THAT GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOUR MISTAKES

(**This made me cry while I was saying it aloud**)

"I may have messed up, but this is temporary. I may have made mistakes in the past, but my future  is brighter than my past. Today, I come boldly into God's presence to receive mercy. I reject condemnation. Because of God's mercy, my best blessings are yet to come. Each day is a new beginning for me. Each day, I shall live a new life. Each day, I shall live in abundance. Each day, I shall walk in God's favor. Amen!"

For more of Bo Sanchez, attend The Feast every Sunday at PICC. You'll definitely enjoy yourself while being inspired by his talks.

Casual and Realistic

I'm not really supposed to make a blog yet. Not questioning the time, I don't really make a blog consistently. I just post when I feel so. Whatever I feel appropriate for my mood. I should really be spending this very moment reading a novel book since it's all I'm doing for this summer whenever I'm home and what's funny about that is I rarely go out because I absolutely abhor the summer heat. Like really really hate it. I don't even find going to outings interesting unless that would include my brothers, but still an inch of me would rather stay inside and read a book to death. And also I hate getting dark, but that's another story. So anyway, a while ago I was browsing for books to read in my book shelf because there are still a lot of books I haven't read yet especially that I received a lot of books as gifts during my debut and finished half of it only within a week.

So while going through the books and reading the summaries, I got confused on what to read because I want to finish them all at the same time and that would take me an eternity to do. And then I saw my little yellow diary which I've been keeping when I started college. I scribbled through the pages and a part of it consist of the text messages of my ex when we were still together which brought me to a halt. One by one I passed my eyes on it and it gave me an irksome feeling. I can't remember writing them one by one with the dates and times taken down per message. I must have had a lot of patience to do that. Reading back all those messages from him brought a lot of memories in the past, memories that I have buried a long time ago. Now, retrieving it once again led tears to fall from my eyes. I am a strong person. I have proven that. But things like this unveil the weakness in me, a flaw I want to hide from other people because it's just so wrong to let other people see the weakness in you, or is it just me who's thinking that way.

Every message was real. The words were sincere. I know for sure those messages all came from the bottom of his heart. From the moment we became official, to that day when I left and he told me that he'll be faithful, he'll wait for the love of his life to come back. There were some messages of him which were unanswered because I don't usually get the chance to hold my phone. He would tell me all the things he's doing from the moment he wakes up until he sleeps even if he didn't receive any replies from me. He did that almost everyday and I felt so special. I felt how much love he had poured on our relationship to make it work. Even during the times that we were already having conflicts and our relationship day by day became complicated, he would still send me sweet messages. Until it had finally ended.

I was crying til' the end. I think it was more stirring than most of the movies I have watched. Of course because I'm involved and it's my past we're talking about that's why. I remember when we were still together, there was no time that we argued about third parties because we were both loyal.  I just don't know what happened when we broke up when I was constantly receiving news about him changing from one girlfriend to another as fast as a person changes mood. That made me feel sorry and guilty because I think I was the reason why he wasted his life. He took his studies for granted, he had different vices and other negative things you could imagine. I don't have the right to intrude his life anymore but him being a person I loved and being the person I imagined spending the rest of my life with, I am really concerned about him. Not that I want to get attached again, of course not, I just don't like the idea of him slowly rotting in failures. That would be a failure for me too.

One time I requested something from him for my debut. I told him that the best gift he could ever give me is his diploma and he did it. At some point I felt proud. I have had random texts from him, getting updates about each others lives but it didn't get that long.We only had few replies and then end of the conversation. I don't want to make a longer conversation with him because I'm afraid I might get to ask him why he has to make two of my closest friend be his girlfriend after we broke up because that's just too stupid having exes from one group of friends. I hope he thought that it might be awkward for the three of us to spend time together knowing that we've had the same ex which is the other's present. That's pretty lame. 

But I don't mind it now though it would sometimes bother me. For me it won't matter anymore because I value my friends more than giving a damn for him. It's hard to act normal but I could be used to it. Now that he and my friend who was like a sister to me are together then I wish them all the best. That's what friends should be asking for each other right?

I know that friend of mine so well that sometimes I feel sorry for her because I think she's wasting her love for a person who's not serious enough. But maybe, maybe I was wrong. Maybe he has changed already. I hope so. Because I don't want my sissy to get hurt just as what he did to the other girls he had relationships with, two to three at a time because I won't mind landing my palm on his face, I mean it. But now that they're sort of working well together then that would be enough for me to finally feel happy for them.

It pains me to see my ex and my close friend be together but it would much more be painful if they'd be miserable all their lives only thinking about how I'm gonna feel. I'm not that important in the scene you know and I would not want to make a scene of my own with them. It's better this way. Casual and realistic.

Hashtag "Na-Janine Tugonon"

One time, while browsing my Twitter timeline, something caught my attention. I got curious why this "na-Janine Tugonon" hashtag is continuously popping up. Yeah, I have no idea what was this all about. For that reason I went on Google and searched what's been the talk of the town and there I read an article about Janine Tugonon breaking up with her boyfriend for The Script singer, Danny or something like that. Wew! So that's it. And there I have read a lot of negative feedback about Janine, calling her flirt and slut which made me feel sorry for her.

I personally admire Janine for making it to the top 5 in Miss Universe where I thought she'd win the crown because she answered Nigel's question eloquently. Among all the candidates, I think she has the best answer, not being bias but she really has it to win. Nevertheless, being crowned as 1st Runner-Up is still something to be proud of. I couldn't be prouder knowing that she's also a Thomasian. Thomasians really are making a name not only in academics but also in beauty pageants like this.

But with the controversy she's been involved with and the issues thrown on her, many people are misjudging her already. We are living in a democratic country and people are free to make opinions but they should also know their limitations. I get it if they loathe Janine for breaking up with her bf only because someone who's more handsome, more popular and "hotter" got her attention. At least, as early as now, Janine already made a move. Don't you think it's better that way rather than keeping her relationship with her boyfriend while entertaining a suitor. That would be more of a disgrace. But then I'm not telling that Janine's decision was right. We never know what's the right one because in the first place we do not know what the whole story was. We are not even sure if the information we know is accurate. In times like this where love is what we're talking about, only those who are involved should speak out. Janine was also being honest with her feelings. Why pretend to be okay when you're not really happy with your relationship? People change. Everyone changes either for the better or for worse, but the point is we can't make things permanent because even how we feel for a certain person changes. Another thing is that they're still not married, they could still part ways if they want to and if they have enough reasons. I hope we stop blaming Janine and making fun of her, nobody's perfect. Who cares if she wants to be single again? Who cares if she wants freedom from her bf? Who cares if she's asking for space and time? She has all the right to do so.

In the same way, I honor Janine's ex-boyfie, Jaypee. I know he took a great courage to face the reality and he swallowed his pride because he loves Janine that much. If I was in his position, I might not be able to defend that very person who left me for another. But he did, and that I think is true love. I hope he become an inspiration to all other boys out there. He didn't blame anybody for what had happened, not even the girl who hurt her. I wish he finds the right one for him, that girl who wouldn't risk him and that wouldn't leave him. He deserves the best, and maybe that best is not Janine anymore. He has no choice, all he has to do is accept it. I know it'll be hard, there will be no easy way but I believe he can. What made my heart melt was when he said that he's still waiting for Janine to come back. Isn't that sweet? But please stop being a fool! Don't waste your time for a person who's making you an option. Okay? If you feel that there's no more hope then stop. Stop. Breathe. Live. It's not yet the end, only a chapter of the story has ended and you're not yet supposed to close the book. Go flip the pages and discover what God has planned for you.

For the two of you, stay blessed and keep in faith.

A Love Story

Heyyyaaa! I don't know know what to blog but just to update I posted here a story I have written for my Christmas Special Magazine project when I was in first year and I feel like sharing it to you. I also posted it in wattpad. Hohohohoh! Enjoy ^_^

As I languidly opened my almond-shaped eyes, I was astonished by the blazing light brought by the intense sun. My lips then curled into a smile. I realized how blessed I am to contemplate such an awesome view of this world. I am aware about the fact that only few people appreciate it, most people would just ignore the wonders of the world.

I stood from my bed with my heart filled with mirth. I don’t know why but I’m really in a good mood today. I gazed around. My eyes traveled from the living room, to the dining area, then to the kitchen but nobody was there. I'm all alone, that justifies the silence girdling me. I decided to go to the bathroom, clean myself up and tour outside. It would be a good idea to spend my precious time roaming outside, try to unwind.

The sound of the flowing water from the shower broke the silence. I felt it touched my skin. It was warm, mild and caressing. While enjoying the solace of playing on the water, thoughts entered my mind. About the world, about the people I value the most, about my life, about my future, about my past, about my love life and unfortunately about my ex.

It was four months ago when I and my boyfriend broke up due to some sort of misunderstanding which until now remains obscure for me. We've been together for three years that’s why it is hard for me to get over it though I’m trying my best to move on. Letting go of someone you love the most isn't easy especially when you’ve already pictured spending the rest of your life with him. But then, love doesn’t assure us of anything because it is a risk we take. We love, we become happy, we get hurt, we fall out of love, and we move on, we feel better and eventually we fall in love again. It is a cycle everybody goes through.

This would be an interesting journey, I am sure. The transition of the weather was steadfast.

The shimmering rays of the sun cloaked behind the thick chunks of clouds. Well that's in favor of me because I forgot to bring my umbrella. While walking, I could feel the cold breeze brushing through my skin. Christmas songs already filled the air. There were colouful lanterns hanging on the different establishments. Christmas is really fast approaching. I almost forgot it; I don’t even have any Christmas decoration in my house. Maybe that’s because I was alone, my family is in U.S. now and there’s no reason for me to waste my time decorating which I will eventually remove after Christmas. It doesn’t make sense for me. Or maybe because doing that only reminds me of my bitterness with my ex.

I’ve been thinking about so many things when suddenly a guy bumped on me which made me fall on the ground with his books stuttered around. I’m not sure how I looked like but I was sure I didn’t look fine.

“Oh! Miss I’m so sorry. I was rushing so I didn’t notice you. I’m really sorry.” He said while he was collecting all the books which fell off from his grip. And then he looked at me straight in the eyes and offered his hand to help me stand. But I didn’t give my hand back. I stood on my own.

“Please pay attention next time.” I answered while fixing myself up and then walked away. He’s a good-looking man but I don’t find him attractive.

I continue walking though I’m not sure where I’m heading. I strode aimlessly wherever my feet would bring me. Few meters away, I saw some kids playing on the park. It reminds me of my childhood. How I wish I was still a little kid. There were no problems and the only reason why you cry is because you got your knees skinned. Unlike now, sometimes crying is the only choice left for you to feel better because if not, you won’t survive. That must be the paradox of life. And because my mind was preoccupied with so many things, I almost forgot that I haven’t eaten anything yet. My stomach’s already rumbling. I walked towards the restaurant where I usually eat.

 As always, there were many customers but I was lucky enough because there was a vacant table on the corner. And because it was the only vacant table, I hastily went on to occupy it. While thinking about what I’m going to order, someone sat in front of me. A guy with a smirk on his lips.

“Would you mind if we share table?” he asked.

“Wait. You were the guy I bumped into a while ago right? How did you know I was here? Are you stalking me?

“Of course not! It only happened that I saw you entered.”

“Okay!” I didn’t sound convinced.

“Hmmm. By the way, I’m Josh. What’s your name?”

So here it is, this conversation is becoming awkward for me.

“Andrea.”

“What do you want to order? My treat!” he asked.

“This isn’t a date. Right?”

“No. Not at all. It’s only my way of apologizing for what had happened.”

“I’m only making myself clear. And about what happened a while ago, it doesn’t matter to me anymore.”

“Thank you! So, what do you want to eat?”

“Any? You choose for me.”

“Ahh. That’s hard but okay. Just stay there.” He smiled and then went to order.

I don’t know why I let him buy for me and treat me. I’m not even sure why I allowed him to share table with me in the first place. But maybe there’s nothing wrong with it. Maybe he’s only trying to be kind.

After few minutes, he came back carrying the food he ordered. We ate together. I was silent. He was silent too. Maybe he realized that I was not interested with him. After we eat I bid goodbye to him.

“Josh, I have to go. Thanks!”

“Wait! Can I drive you home?”

“You don’t have to. I can manage myself.”

“I insist. Please?”

“But I’m not going home yet.”

“Then let me come along with you, wherever it is.”

“I don’t get it. Why do you have to do this?”

“I don’t know. I just want to. Can we go now Andrea?”

“Okay. Okay!”

     This guy is starting to annoy me. I don’t know why he has to do this. I started walking and he followed me. It’s not good anymore. What if this guy is a gangster? He might do something bad to me. What if he is a criminal or an ex-convict? Maybe not. He doesn’t look like that. In fact, he looked really cool. But still, I shouldn’t be spending my time with him. I only know his name, nothing more than that.

“Andrea, where are we going? Why don’t we just ride on my car and tell me where we’re going.”

“No!” I sounded rue to him.

“Okay. You say so. But where are we going really?”

“I don’t know!”

“Are you mad?”

“No!” Isn’t it obvious? I told you I can manage myself. Can’t you read my mind?

“Oh! I know. I know where to go. Come on!”

He grabbed my hand and together we took a walk.

“Josh! What are you doing? Where are we…”

“Here we are. The secret garden! I always go here. I stay here for hours reading my novel books. It’s very peaceful here. You can hear the chirping sound of the birds. You can see the beauty of the nature. You can feel the cold breeze. But my favorite part is when the sun sets. Its golden rays will reflect on the sea. We could wait here and see.”

“This is…amazing.”

I am speechless. It is a really wonderful place. It is my first time to reach this place. But what struck me most is Josh. I didn’t expect him to be this sentimental. I bet only few guys appreciate a place like this. I could see the passion and idealism in his eyes. It made me want to know him more.

“Tell me more about you.” I told him with eagerness.

“What do you mean?” he asked in confusion.

“Tell me things about you. Who are you really?”

“Are you serious?” he asked while smiling.

“Yeah! Of course.”

“Alright. I am Josh. I am from L.A. but I’m spending my Christmas vacation here with my Mom. I am a simple guy. I love reading. I’m interested with girls but only talk to few. This is my favorite place here and this is my first time to spend my stay here with a girl. Is that enough?”

“Owww. Well yeah! So I’m the only girl whom you brought here? Why? And we just met. You still don’t know me well.”

“Yes but you don’t look like you’re going to eat me or anything. Right?”

“Why did you bring me here?”

“You remind me of my ex-girlfriend.” He said and looked down on the ground. I think our conversation is already becoming personal but I got curious.

“Do I look like her?”

“Yes! You exactly look like her, how you act and everything. Maybe if only you cut your hair short I would think you were her.”

“What happened? Why did you break up? Sorry for asking, I know it’s personal but if you want to talk about it I could listen to you.” now I’m starting to sound serious.

“Trust? Loyalty? I don’t know but maybe I’m just tired.”

He speaks very deep. His words were short and precise but I know there’s something deeper than that. It must’ve been hard for him. I could see it in his eyes. I could feel it in the way he sounds. I looked at him intently.

“You know what Josh, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained. It is hard. I know how it feels because I went through the same situation before.”

“But how did you overcome the pain? How did you get over it? I’m trying so hard but I’m still stuck here.”

“Everybody wants happiness. Nobody wants to get hurt. But you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain. Maybe at this time you’re still struggling but that doesn’t mean it’ll last forever. You look at me like I’m a strong person, but you know what? I’ve known defeat too. Just because I come off strong, doesn’t mean that I didn’t fall asleep crying. And so with you. You have to be strong. You have no one to depend on but yourself. Never forget that.”

He looked at me with awe. He must be surprised about all the things I told him. But most of all he must be bewildered about the things he heard from me.

“Peter Pan is right for saying that no matter how we try to mature, we will always be a kid when we all get hurt and cry.” And then I saw tears running down from his eyes.

“Josh, you’re crying. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to open this thing up to me.”

“No. Don’t worry. This is a tear of joy. I’m just happy because I know I’m not alone. Thanks for being there.”

He smiled at me, trying to cover up the anguish and pain in his eyes. It made my heart melt. It is my first time to see a guy cry in front of me. I haven’t seen anyone like this before. Not even my ex-boyfriend.

“Josh we should go. I still have things to finish.”

“Sure. No problem. Sorry for taking much of your time.”

“Not a big deal. Come on, let’s go.”

“Yes Ma’am!” he said and then he held my hand until we reach the place where he parked his car.

“Let me drive.” I told him earnestly

“What? Are you serious? Do you even know how to drive? Let me do it.” he said in bewilderment.

“I know how to drive. I have a car, I left it at home.” I said while giggling. He looks so funny with his reaction.

“Why do you have to drive? I can do it. Just tell me the address”

“I just want to make sure that you won’t bring me anywhere.”

“You don’t trust me, do you?”

“Give me the key and I’ll drive. End of the conversation.” I said while my hands were in front of him waiting for the keys.

“What if I don’t give it to you?” he asked sarcastically.

“Fine! I will go home by myself.” I turned back and started walking. He grasped for my hands to stop me.

“No, don’t go. Here’s the key.”

“You’re so funny. Come on. Let’s go.” Then I walked towards his car and went in like it’s mine.

While I was driving, he was staring at me in amazement. He must be wondering why I offered to drive his car.

“Do you do this always?” he said still staring at me.

“What do you mean?” I asked looking straight on the road.

“Driving other person’s car? Do you always do that?” he still sound confused.

“No. Not really. This is my first time to drive other person’s car.” I looked at him and gave a sweet smile.

“Then why are you doing this?”

“I love driving. I don’t know why. All the games on my phone have something to do with driving. I started driving when I was in high school, my Dad taught me. But I stopped when Ken became my boyfriend. He doesn’t want me to drive even my own car. Driving was my hobby, it was my passion but I gave it up because of him. Because I love him.”

“Why didn’t you complain? Why did he stop you from doing what you love to do? It doesn’t make any sense. There’s nothing wrong with driving!” he suddenly sounded mad.

“Because he’s afraid that he might lose me. He had a traumatic experience that’s why he didn’t allow me to drive on my own. It’s either he drive for me or his driver.”

“Okay, I won’t question that anymore. It must’ve been hard for you to quit doing something you really love. You love him that much.”

“If you love someone, you’re willing to do anything just to make him happy. I’m willing to sacrifice because I love him more than my ego.” I said hiding the tears on the corner of my eye.

“But you end up parting ways. Was it worth your sacrifice?”

I was silent. I do not know how to answer him. But I have to answer him. I should break the dead-air. 

“Yes. He was worth sacrificing for. We might have separated ways but that won’t replace the happy memories we had together. Love doesn’t guarantee us a happy ending or a happy ever after but that doesn’t mean that we won’t have any good story to make. Sometimes the right path is not always the easiest one. But the lesson is to learn how to be strong and face the battle.” I’m becoming more emotional.

“Promises can be broken just as quick as they are made and sometimes goodbyes really are forever. But you are a brave person Andrea. To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. How I wish I was Ken. I should’ve been the luckiest person in the world.”

After hearing Josh’s words, I stopped driving. I couldn’t handle my emotion anymore. I burst into crying. I cried really hard. Tears are continuously rushing down my cheeks. I think that would explain better how I really feel because no words could express it precisely. The car was inundated with emotions.

“How I wish you are Ken. How I wish he appreciated all the things I’ve done for him. Why can’t I be good enough for him? What’s wrong with me? Tell me!” I said while sobbing.

Suddenly I felt Josh hugging me. With the warmth of his body, I felt secured.

“Cry it out Andrea. I know you’ve been keeping all your emotions inside for a long time. It’s not easy. Go on. I’m here.” He said comfortingly.

I can’t remember whether how long it took for me to stop crying. All I could remember was that he comforted me. He hugged me the entire moment that I was crying.

“Let me drive. I know you’re not feeling well.” he said still hugging me.

“Okay.” I said with a husky voice.

We changed seats. He drove until we reach home. After few minutes, we finally arrived.

“Josh, thanks. Sorry for making you worry.” I uttered with a smile.

“No problem. I hope you feel better now.”

“Yeah! Bye.”

It was a long a day. Many things happened. First I accidentally bumped into this guy whom at first was a stranger to me which ended up being the one comforting me when I feel so down. It was weird but I had fun.

The next day, I woke up with the sound of knocking from the door. With my eyes half-open, I opened the door. Josh greeted me with a hug.

“Good morning! How are you?”

“What are you doing here?” I asked annoyingly. I feel so ugly with my unfixed hair.

“Hurry up. Prepare your-self. I’ll bring you to my place.”

“W-What? What am I going to do there?” I shouted.

“Stop asking. Just go and fix yourself up. I’ll wait here.” He said and sat comfortably on the sofa. I stared at him for a moment and then went to my room. I fixed myself up. What’s with this guy? Why should I go to his place? But because I owe him something from what had happened yesterday, I have no choice.

After taking a bath, drying my hair, wearing comfy clothes, I went out of my room. I saw Josh sleeping. He looks very charming with his eyes closed. I walked and sat beside him. I stared at him. He suddenly opened his eyes. I abruptly stood from my place.

“I-I was about to wake you up. Let’s go?” I protested nervously.

We went out of the house. He offered his key to me.

“You drive!” he said with a smile. I took it from his hand.

“Tell me the directions.”

I drove his car. We talked about random things while we were on the road. He shared so many things about him and his love for novel books. We also talked about our school experiences. After about fifteen minutes, we reached his place. It was huge and painted with grey. It is an American house design with a garden on its façade. His mother welcomed us both with a hug and a kiss. His mother looks young. Her chocolate brown hair was tied up. She has a fair complexion everybody would want to have.

“You must be Andrea. Come in.” his mother greeted me.

“Thank you.” I said modestly.

Inside their house was pure cream and peach in color. The sofa, the furniture and fixtures were all color coordinated. Her mother went to the kitchen.

“Andrea, come over here!” she said lovingly. 

I went next to her and smiled.

“I will be cooking beef steak. Josh said it was your favorite.”

“Really? Thank you Ma’am.” I felt shy. I looked back at Josh but he was busy watching T.V.

“No, don’t call me Ma’am. Call me Tita. It makes me feel younger.”

“Okay Tita.” I giggled.

“Josh must have told you how you very much resemble Cassie.”

“Cassie, her ex-girlfriend? Yes Tita, except for the hair.”

“But for me, you look prettier. And you and Josh look good together. Are you his girlfriend now?” she asked with curiosity.

I was overwhelmed with her words.

“No. We’re only friends Tita.”

“And eventually would be his girlfriend. I want you to be his girlfriend. You’re beautiful and nice.”

I only smiled at her when suddenly Josh entered the conversation.

“Mom, I will take Andrea for a while.”

“Oh sure! No problem sweetie” his mom answered

“Excuse us Tita.”

Josh held my hand.

“Where are we going?” I asked him.

“To my room upstairs.”

We went upstairs and entered his room. It is big. It was filled with books. There were books every-where. Even the walls were painted with images of books. The shelves were all filled with books. There’s no T.V. It looks like a mini-library except for the king-sized bed at the middle.

“Have you read all the books here?”

“I have read about three fourths of them. Some I haven’t opened yet.”

“I see. This is cool. You really love books.”

“I started collecting books when I was in elementary until now.”

“You’re a bookworm.”

“The main reason why I would rather stay here at my room and read novels is because maybe, just maybe the stories I want would end up the way I want it to be.”

“Josh, you don’t have to isolate yourself and live within the fancy stories in your books. You have to face the reality. I suppose we’re all a bit lonely and broken. Most of us just go through waiting for things to get better. For some they do, for others they don’t. I reckon it’s up to us to make the best out of it. The question is, are you strong enough to try?”

“Andrea, I’m tired of every dream and expectation I had when I was a kid falling to pieces before my eyes. I wish people had been honest with me. I wish they’d tell me to prepare myself for a life time of disappointments and heartbreak. I wish they’d tell me that I’m never going to grow out of my awkwardness, so I’d better get used to it.” he complained.

“If they stopped you, you would have stopped living your life too. If they told you that you can’t, you might have not striven to become a better person. Josh, you have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs. You never know how many people you inspire. You might never know that there are people out there who are staying strong because of you.”

“Are you kidding me? There’s no one! Trust me.” he said mockingly.

“Me! You inspired me Josh. I’m staying strong because of you. Don’t you get it?”

We remained silent. Then the voice of his Mom broke the silence dominating in his room.

“Josh! Andrea! Lunch is ready. Come on down!”

“Yes Mom, we’re coming!” he yelled.

While going downstairs,

“Josh, how did you know that beef steak is my favorite meal? Did I tell you?”

“Yes. I asked you yesterday. Maybe you forgot because you were too emotional.”

“I see.”

While eating,

“Andrea, where will you celebrate Christmas? What are your plans for tomorrow?” Tita asked.

“I’m not yet sure Tita. Maybe I’ll stay at home.”

“With your family?” she asked.

“No Tita, I’m all alone. My family is in U.S.”

“Really? Too bad. Tomorrow is our flight back to L.A.”

I looked at Josh after hearing her Mom. He’s leaving tomorrow. I had no idea. Josh kept looking away.

“Don’t worry Tita, it’s alright.”

I and Josh didn’t talk for a while until I decided to go home. He drove me home without saying a word. We arrived at my place still without talking to each other. He parked his car in front of my house.

“So you’re leaving tomorrow? You didn’t tell me.”

“I was about to tell you.”

“But your Mom told me first.”

“Meet me tomorrow at The Secret Garden 8am before our flight.”

“What if I don’t?”

“Then I guess this is my last farewell.”

“Okay. Good bye!” I said and turned my back on him. I faced the door and opened it.

“I will miss you.” he said affectionately

I didn’t look at him. I entered the house and closed the door. Tears dropped from my eyes. Why should I feel this way? Why did I feel sad when his Mom told me that they’re going back to L.A. I see him as my friend, as my inspiration, as a person who shows to me a different side of the world. He’s a person who has shown a different kind of reality. For the first time, I’ll be asking this “Am I in love with him?” But this can’t be happening. I just have known him for two days. This can’t be love. But why does it feel so real? Why does it feel like I’ve known him for a long time?

My questions were left unanswered until the darkness swallowed the rays of the sun. I feel idle. What kind of Christmas is this? This is the worst. Maybe all I need is a sound sleep.

The next day, I opened my eyes. I fell asleep on the sofa. I checked my phone, 30 missed calls and 50+ messages from Josh. Oh my goodness, it’s already 9am. I got up and fixed myself quickly as I could. I drove my car to The Secret Garden hoping that he’s still there. I know, I’ve been stupid for walking out yesterday and acting mad at him. I was trying to call him but he’s not answering the phone. After few minutes, I reached the place. He was not there. I know, I’m not expecting to see him. It’s too late. He must be on the plane now.

I can’t explain what I feel at the moment. It feels like something within is breaking apart. It feels like my heart was pierced into pieces. My knees were shaking. My heart is pounding really fast. My sight became blurry because of tears.

“Josh! Josh! I’m here!” I shouted.

I was hoping that somebody would answer me back but there was no one. He’s gone. I lost him. It’s too late. I decided to go home. I reached home still with tears on my eyes and melancholy in my heart. My Mom was right for telling me that there are more things that I will regret because of not doing them than things that I did. And maybe, some people in our life come along but are not meant to stay forever. Now I know why some people are afraid to fall in love, because it hurts like hell when you lose it.

I opened the door when somebody grabbed my hand. I had a mini-heart attack. And there I saw Josh.

“Jo-Josh! W-why are you here?” I asked in astoundment.

“Merry Christmas!” he cheered and hugged me tight.

“Wait? I thought today was your flight?” I still can’t believe this is happening.

“I will give you something.”

He took something out of his pocket. He held my hand and put on the bracelet.

“This is my Christmas gift to you. Do you like it?”

“Are you leaving?” I asked with a soft voice.

“Do you want me to stay?” he asked in return.

“I thought you were just my friend. I thought you were just a person who can comfort me. I thought you were just a bookworm who can share stories to me. But Josh, you’re more than that. This morning, I realized that I don’t want to lose you. It feels much the same when I broke up with Ken. I’m not sure if this is love but I’m afraid. I’m afraid to lose you. I’m afraid that you might leave me here. Please stay. Please?”

“Andrea, you don’t have to feel that way. I’m not leaving. Last night, I decided not to go. I told my Mom that I want to spend Christmas with you and the rest of the days. I went to The Secret Garden this morning to see you but you’re not there. I went to your place but you’re not here also. I waited for you.”

“Josh, this is the best Christmas gift ever. Thank you!” I hugged him tight.

“Andrea, I’m not sure if this is love but all I know is that I’m happiest when I’m with you.”

“Josh. This is love. I love you.”

“I love you most Andrea.” He kissed me tenderly. Tears again fell down from my eyes. But not be-cause of pain this time. It is because of the happiness I’m feeling.

We have so many needs in our life, but at the end of the day all we need is to be needed. Goodbyes hurt more than anything. But nothing can ever be sweeter than saying hello again after a bitter goodbye. With Josh, I could be myself. I could do things I want and enjoy it with him. The best feelings are those that have no words to describe them. This is how I feel about him.

Sometimes the people with the worst pasts can create the best future. With all the stumbles we had from our past relationships, I am sure for now that we learn from it. I’ve been hurt but I’m willing to take the risk for the one I love. As what people say, it’s better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of my life. This may not be a story of a happy ever after but I’m sure this is a story worth reading for.