Mind Over Matter

What if we're still together until now? What if I didn't break up with you? What if we kept our relationship despite of all the people who are against our relationship? Would it last? Would it be worth the fight? Would it compensate all the other relationships we sacrificed to be with each other? In every hour of a day, every day of a month and every month of a year, no time passed by without being bothered with these questions on my mind. Even by the people around me who don't exactly know the real story behind ask me why we have to settle in this kind of situation. I couldn't answer them because I myself doesn't know why this happened. Even after a long time since we parted ways, all the things aren't clear yet for me and our relationship still remains vague.

We had a very casual though not perfect relationship. We both know how we deeply love each other that we can't even find the exact words to express it. We've been through so many circumstances with our relationship before we could even decide to settle and commit. You had your girlfriend before me and I had my boyfriend too. We started as friends, as what I think it was. But love really comes in a very unexpected time. Until I woke up realizing that I'm falling for you which at first I tried to stop because it isn't right. I'm in a relationship and you too. I don't want to hurt other people only for my own happiness. I tried hard but I wasn't strong enough to distance myself from you. It's so hard especially when the feeling is mutual. We both know how we love each other and how we are becoming with our own relationships.

We decided to clear things first. I broke up with my boyfriend whom at that time I'm having a problem with because he already has an idea about the thing going on between us. I denied it, that's all I could do. I couldn't accept the fact that I'm leaving him for another, which was you. But even if I hide it, I couldn't lie to myself. I broke up with him, telling him that I'm tired, that I don't want our relationship anymore. But I didn't include you. I never mentioned you as a reason why I'm breaking up with him. Before he leave, he told me how he wishes that I would be happy with you. I saw the pain in his eyes. Yes, I was guilty for doing that but I only have to make a choice and I chose you, I chose to leave him without any assurance if we could be together after this. I told you what happened few days after. You told me you also broke up with your girlfriend who already was confronting me even before on the exact day when I broke up with mine. We were both oblivious, we didn't plan it to happen but it went that way and it seems like we've been a traitor. My feelings were ambivalent, I was happy because I've seen how hard you fought for me, that you are willing to give up all the other commitments you had just for me. But at the same time I was bothered because I know it is a wrong move for the two of us. But what could we do? We love each other so much and we don't care about what other people would think about us. As long as we love each other, we can get through it all. That's what I thought. Nobody told me that love doesn't work like that.

On your exact birthday, we became official. You were already my boyfriend and I was your girlfriend. The feeling was surreal. When you're in love, all you could think of are happy things. That's what I felt. You were my world and I couldn't imagine myself living without you. But the problem is we hid our relationship especially to my family because they don't want us to be together. I told myself and even in front of you that I'm willing to fight for our relationship. But I was clueless about what's gonna happen in the future. I spent most of my time with you before I leave because I'll be going to Manila for good. We kept our promises and plans together. I told you I'll be back. You told me you'll wait. We love each other. Love. Love. Love. That's all I could remember.

Until the day came when I left. We were both sad, it feels like we've been hit by lightning leaving us paralyzed. We were miles apart and I don't know how to shorten the distance between us. I want to see you but I can't. I want to hug you. I want to hear your voice. All we had was a text message, a phone call and an e-mail. But it made a change. At least I know and I'm sure that even if we're not together, nothing has changed from the day I left.

But love doesn't guarantee us a happy ending nor a good love story. There came a day when my Mom knew about our relationship. She got so mad at me to the point that she hurt me physically. I told you I'll fight for you but not if my own family is trying to push me away. My mom asked me to choose, you or my family? I'm still young, I have a good future waiting for me after studying and I couldn't just throw them away. Maybe I got carried away because of my emotions that I forgot about my priorities in life. But because of the nightmare that had happened to me, it reminded me of my promises and commitment to my own family. You can't blame me if I chose them and not you. I'm sure I have an acceptable reason why I did it. We broke up not officially. I couldn't contact you because I was grounded for a month. I know you didn't have any idea that this happened. You only realized it when you stopped receiving messages and calls from me. It lasted for months until I got the chance to talk to you and explain everything. But you know what, I still love you that time. It only happened that I needed to make a choice. But I still love you. I love you. I whisper that every night while tears were flowing from my eyes until I could get a good sleep. I thought love was enough to keep us together, but I was wrong. If the world is against us, love would never be enough.

A month after, I received a news saying that you were already in a relationship. That broke my heart. I couldn't explain the pain, the anguish, the hatred that dominated my heart. All I could remember is that I consider that the worst nightmare that ever happened to me because of you. I know it will happen, it is inevitable. But the point is, I was never able to prepare myself enough for this kind of torture. I'm still on the process of moving on, of forgetting you, of trying to live without you. How could you afford to replace me that easily? What hurts me most is that it was a friend of mine whom you've been into a relationship with. It made me feel like you never was serious to me. It seemed to me like I was one of your collections, it feels like you played with my heart. I asked you before if it was true, the rumors I've been hearing about you and her but you told me it isn't true. I believed you. You even told me that I'm still the one you love. I hold on to those words, and now all those words turned to be lies. 

Every night, I cry. That's the only way I could express how I really feel. I tried to accept the reality because if not I would end up hurting myself. You're happy with another girl while I'm stuck in misery and melancholy. You already moved on but I'm here still in pain. I've been really good in lying to you about how I really feel. I told you that I'm happy for the both of you even if the truth is I'm cursing the two of you. I always tell you that I'm hoping that you too last forever but the truth is I'm hoping that you two break up. I told you to love her and be serious on her even if the truth is that I'm hoping that I'm still the one you love. I lived my life in hatred. I couldn't get away with that.

I needed space. I tried to forget you no matter how hard it is. I continued my life. I studied hard, I devoted my time on school and on the church. I made myself busy just to refrain thinking of you. I joined different organizations in school and made new friends. There I found other people who made me feel that I'm loved, that I have a value, that I have a worth. They made me feel whole again after you broke and pierced me into pieces. I may not have totally moved on but I could say that I feel far better now. I could smile again, I could hear my laugh again, I could crack jokes again. I am me again. The one you took away with you when you left me hanging.

I'm happy with my life now without you. But here you go again. You tell me that you still love me even if you're in a relationship. I won't be fooled anymore with your sugar-coated lies. I'm done. I don't want to go back into that situation where you were my life and I am dependent on you because every time I give my all to you, you would leave me with nothing left for myself. I once believed on you and I don't know if that would ever happen again after learning all the lessons. 

I stood on my own. I lived alone. I fought without anyone to protect me. I went on and continued the journey without you behind me. At first I thought I won't make it, but I did. I conquered all the things without you. That's how tough and strong I am now. And I realized that my world is not only about you. You're not the only person in my life. My life won't stop even without you. And that there are many people out there who would do anything for me just to make me happy. I won't risk them for something that I'm not sure of. 

There are things we have to let go for us to keep going. We have to leave all the heavy burdens we are carrying in order to continue our journey. And I think our relationship is one of those burdens that I would want to let go. Our relationship is one of those things I won't hold on to anymore. I'm afraid of falling in love again. And I am more afraid of falling out of love. For now, it's my family and my studies which is on the top of my priorities. Love will come on the right time. God has His proper time and plan for me. I guess I would just let Him work it out for me because the last time that I deviated from His plans, everything failed. 

From now on, it would always be mind over matter.  That's the reason why our brain is placed on the top and why our heart is placed on the lower part. That is because our brain is more superior. We should use it more often than our heart. Technically, our heart doesn't have anything to do with how we feel. It's the brain which works out on everything. So it's better that we think first before deciding rather than wait for what our heart would tell us. We are living in a real world, it's either you win or you lose. It depends on the choices we make and not on our destiny itself. And this I think is the right choice to make. To forget you and to go on with my life.