Ceasefire!!!

I hate being in a situation like this. Being the reason of other people's misunderstanding even if you know you didn't do anything wrong. It hurts when people accuse you of something you didn't even think of doing. 

I'm only a friend, I know that and I don't have any intention of intruding your relationship. I understand if you get jealous because I'm your boyfriend's bestfriend. I get that. I've been in a relationship before and I know how it feels. But please do understand, we're only friends. We've been friends since elementary and I hope you won't question that anymore. We've known each other for a long time. Many things happened and I can't control that. All I know is we're only friends, not more than that. Please don't give other meaning with how attached I am with him because that's just normal. I know you love him so much. I know that you've been through so many things in the past and some I got involved with. And I hope that's enough to give your trust to your boyfriend because I know how much he loves you. You don't need to worry about me. Don't be bothered. As what I've said, I don't intend to take him away from you. Please. I'm not that stupid. 

I'm not mad or anything against you. As a matter of fact I'm glad, it's only a proof that you love him, that's the reason why you're feeling that way. I just don't want to be stuck in a situation like this where it feels like I've done all the mistakes. I hope everything will be alright now. I'm doing the first move already. Trying to stay away from him until you both fix your problem with each other.

I wish you all the best dear. May you two stay strong.

Let's Do This

It took me few days before I could update my blog and the one that I'll be posting here is also late. But then, I promised myself to post this whatever it takes. As we say, better late than never. So here we go.

It was last last week when our classes ended. It concluded with our last final exam which was a brain-draining one considering that scenario where you have to answer a 50 item exam in 2 hours. Sounds like an easy one huh?! But I dare you it isn't!! Most especially when there are no choices, it would totally freak you out and would leave your eyes all white. I'm serious! Thank God I was able to finish it with the allotted time. After the exam, my heart was tumbling with joy, it almost reach my throat. And I thought it would be reasonable for me to treat myself a satisfying lunch so me and my friends went to Greenwich to fill our rumbling stomach up. And then the most awaited... Tadaaaa! S.E.M.B.R.E.A.K.

Hearing the word makes my soul jump with its imaginary hands clapping with joy. I know, everybody's waiting for this to come. No more stressful days and sleepless nights. It's time to relax, to enjoy, to unwind. Far from the exhausting world of studying. But I couldn't enjoy my break yet, not after knowing my grades. I'm a scholar and it is a must to monitor my grades, whether I would still be a scholar next semester.

I couldn't sleep well every night thinking about my grades. Especially in Mathematics of Investment. Holy cow, that's the most mortifying subject I've been through so far. Worse than my Accounting subject. I failed all of my quizzes during the final period. I got 60/100, 40/100, 50/100. What the! Am I serious? Yes I'm unfortunately serious. That's why I was bothered because if I won't maintain an average of 1.75, I won't be a scholar anymore and I couldn't afford that to happen. Not now! Not... NEVER!!

10/20/12 Grades are already available online. Crap! This is it. I opened my account nervously. My heart's racing on my chest. When I was able to open my account, only the average grade was available, there are still no breakdown of grades. Whatever it is, I still wanna know. So this is the moment of truth. At first I tried to put my fingers on the monitor, trying to cover the numbers. And then slowly uncovering it. First number I saw was 1. Oh! Nice, I still have a chance. 50% hope : ON. Next number appeared to be 7. So it  was 1.7. 99% hope : ON. And finally the last number. Would you believe it? It was 5. Oh my! 100% hope :  RESTORED. This is awesome. Still I'm a Dean's Lister and a Scholar. No more, no less. Yey! So I could party now :"">

The next day, breakdown of grades were already available but I couldn't open my account yet because I'm not home. Me and my mom were on our way to Novaliches. I asked my friend to open my account for me and asked him to send me my grades. And there I saw my precious grades :)) I was screaming at the car and told my mom about the good news.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=167648320041296&set=a.103315369807925.4638.100003883870211&type=1&theater

Lord thank you. This would be the best gift or whatever superlative I could use to describe it, either way, it is indescribable. For the fourth time, still I am what I want to be. Just by knowing that there are many people out there who are proud of what I have achieved is enough to inspire me to strive even more. I've been praying for this every day and every night whenever I pray the rosary and You never fail me Lord. Never. 

I will not only try but I will definitely do my best for the next semesters to come in order to keep on track. I know it'll be harder but I know that with You by my side there's no such word as hard, impossible, hopeless and give-up. 

Let's do this Lord.

I Envy Her...

Looking at the mirror, with my face still painted with make-up from last evening's event. I was too exhausted and tired that I forgot I'm still wearing my make-up and slept on it. And now I look filthy and untidy. My hair is still on its murdered look. It was, well a very memorable night for me as the memories flash on my mind.

It was my friend's 18th birthday, a really close friend of mine. It was my first time to attend such event. I felt really excited. In fact, I was about to perform because I'm a part of the cotillion. Unfortunately, my partner wasn't able to come for some reasons. Too bad, I was already on my gown which my Mom prepared for me when I knew about it. I hastily ran back to the car to change outfit.

The party started late. There are so many people, unfamiliar faces everywhere. I was with my mom and few girlfriends. We were seated on the front part so I could visibly discern everything that's happening.

I don't know why but I'm really excited to see my friend come down the stairs. Everyone's waiting for her, the debutante. And then the time came, the host called for her name and suddenly everyone stopped from whatever they were doing, including me. My friend came down with her escort on her side. She's wearing a very beautiful princess-like gown. I don't know how long I was staring at her. She's very beautiful, that's too obvious. My eyes went teary, I'm not sure why. Maybe because I can see right from her eyes how happy she was.

Few minutes later and it was already my turn to give her a massage. I'm really really trying hard to control my emotions. I don't want to cry in front of her and the crowd watching us. But I can't stop my tears. The words continuously came out from my mouth not thinking what was I talking about anymore. I thanked her, gave pieces of advice and wished her a happy birthday.

The program went well. She's the star of the night with a very charming escort not leaving her side. I wonder what his name was. HAHAHA! Just kidding.

And then the best part which I think is the most emotional of all was her 18 roses. Her first dance was her eldest brother and then her second brother. So I was imagining myself too, celebrating my 18th birthday. It would probably look like this. My two brothers would be dancing with me. My tears again started to flow from my eyes. And the last part where I got carried away was her dance with her father. As soon as the song "Dance with my Father" played, I almost jump out from my seat. It was my favorite song. And then her father went to her holding a rose and gave it to her. They hugged each other tight. And there I cried. That is when I envy her the most. She's so lucky for having a chance to dance with her father. I felt happy for her and at the same time I pity myself. My inner goddess tells me that I won't be able to experience that. Never. I won't be able to dance with my father like that. How could I if he's already gone? I cried harder but I tried to hide it from my friends beside me.

And then, after few more hours, the party already ended. I bid goodbye to her and kissed her. While heading home, still I was thinking about her dance with her father. It left me dumbfounded. I wish I was her. I wish I could also dance with my father on my 18th birthday. I envy her so much.

If You Can't...Let Him

I have a fear of rejection, everyone does. Who wouldn't? I mean, damn, life's too cruel. You wouldn't know whether it goes your way or not. You wouldn't have any idea what's gonna happen next. Which is which. What is what. And what makes life more complicated? The people being attached to you. Complicated world plus complicated people. That's just too much. 

So I'm the type of person who easily gets emotional whenever the situation calls, and sometimes even not. I take other people's words seriously and I over-think people's actions. I was used at being the best or sometimes good in everything I do before, which I know is really hard to make. But then, I'm not perfect. I strive hard, yes that's evident but that doesn't mean I couldn't make a mistake once or twice in my life. 

What's hard is when people see you having a potential at something, they would expect you to do good, AT ALL TIMES! Which is not actually my case. I can't be that good, sometimes I don't even feel like I'm better than anyone. And here goes my dwindling self-esteem again. It's hard when you were alleged of being a genius even if it's not. I'm sure all the metaphors have something to do with it. People expect so much from you and when you fail them, horrible end of the story. Why can't it be like "Oh, she didn't make it? Maybe she could next time.", why does it have to be "Oh she didn't make it? I thought she was good. I was wrong". Stupid narrow-minded people. 

And what's all with the criticisms and sarcasms? Does it satisfy your want? Your desire of humiliating people? Nobody has the right to judge anyone's worth, not even the most powerful person, unless he/she was able to walk on the same shoes. But even if that's the case, it would still be unacceptable. Come on, what happened with the word "RESPECT"? Did it vanish right away from the dictionary? And if we change places, I bet it'll be hard for you too.

My inner voice which only me could here shouts, saying "Ignore them, you freak! They aren't worth your time. You are good. You have proven yourself at many things and you'll continue that. Right? Why get bothered with them?" I wish it was that easy, like ignoring them could be done in a blink of an aye. I'm afraid it isn't like that. It feels like witnessing a real nightmare right through your eyes. What makes it more scary is that you could feel the humiliation and rejection directly striking through the walls of your veins. 

At times like this, where we feel too fragile to fight, the best thing to do is to make our inner selves strong with the help of that very person above who knew everything about what we're going through, GOD. With Him in our lives, complicated world where complicated people resides becomes a better place to live in.

Just remember, if you couldn't fight any longer, let Him fight for you.

Love's Irony

Love… It doesn't guarantee us the right to own a person… It doesn't assure us that we will be loved in return… It brings joy to a person’s heart… The same way it also breaks a person’s heart into pieces… Would you risk your happiness for the one you love? Or would you risk your love for your own happiness? What if in the end it will not work out? And what if we end up hurting that person? Will you still continue? If ‘loving’ also means ‘leaving’?

Thomasian Indeed

          “Thomasian”, a name which served as an identity for every student who chose to pace on the road of the Royal and Pontifical University of the Philippines, the University of Santo Tomas. For over 400 years, UST epitomized excellence academically which made it one of the most prestigious universities in our country. Behind its success lie all the pieces which made its foundation tenacious enough to withstand the strife of time. All of these bring into completion the Thomasian community. The community where I belong, the community with all pride will I call my new family.

           

            Becoming a Thomasian is more than just the name and the society where I am a part of. Being a Thomasian for me is both an opportunity to grab and a responsibility to hold for people have always high regards on us. And as a Thomasian, it is my role to conform the expectations other people have set for me and prove that I am worthy to be in here.

            

          As a Thomasian, I should not only be accustomed with the Thomistic values but to live by them too until it becomes indispensable to do so. Compassionate, committed and competent Thomasian, that is where I’m heading. In everything I do, big or small, I will do it enthusiastically. Not only will I be open-minded but I will also embrace every trial with all the courage to overcome it. And I will always be willing to reap success in every dimension it may be. I also will not only excel academically in the national level but also in the global field because I believe that every Thomasian has what it takes to be recognized internationally as long as we hold tight on our desires and passion to succeed. But all these things aren’t as easy as it sounds. These are things done not only for a day but for a long period. It is a process every Thomasian goes through and certainly I will too.

 It all starts from me. The might, the strength and courage will all begin within me. The moment that I will be able to take control of myself, then and only then will I be able to influence others to do the same thing. As we say, big leap comes from small steps. It all commence from a small role until we become a big part of the community where we belong and bring a huge impact to it. Same with me today, at this moment I’m just a tiny dot in this institution trying to do whatever it takes to be a responsible student, a student who will not only match but will exceed to the standards of this university. And with this, I believe that someday, that me which tends to be just some mediocre student will become a remarkable professional who will carry the name of her school and will inspire other people to pursue their dreams and be the person they dreamt to be. For now, I’ll just keep on telling myself with all conviction to strive not only to become better but to be the best in everything I do first.

A Work of an Idealist

THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE BEGINS WITH ME 

BECOMING THE NEW FILIPINO

A country filled with great wealth turns into a starving nation and families buried in poverty.

A country with all the products and raw materials hopelessly faced the future with doubt.

A country with all the intelligent and well-known sluggishly slept and was forgotten .

How could a place filled with enthusiasm and vigor transform into an idle one where people suffer and die? Is it because of greed? A plentiful mixture of selfishness or envy? Well, it is a piece of everything. It is dismaying to think that we are being outrun by our imprudence. Instead of treating everyone as brothers and sisters, we use our little hands to cover our eyes and we become blind of what is right. We use our fingers to cover our ears for us not to listen with other people’s opinions, while our mouth is widely open and obliviously speaking unnecessary words which hurt others. Instead of opening our hearts, we are enclosing it with hatred. We even try to destroy others. It is because people are insatiable with happiness. But the world wasn't created for the powerful to enjoy alone. We are living in a democratic country, with equal rights, equal responsibilities and equal freedom.

Life is transitory; nothing in this world is permanent. The things we have today may be gone tomorrow. We may have everything yesterday, but on the next day we may have nothing. On the other hand, we may be on our greatest frustration at present but in the future we may taste our sweetest victory. Everything may change in just a blink of an eye, and with this we may conclude that it will never be too late to rectify all the wrong things from the past. The change we’ll be undergoing lies on the hands of the next generation which are the YOUTH of today.

Being a part of a myriad youth of today, we can put into reality the quote “The youth are the hope of our country”, a quote from our National Hero Dr. Jose Protacio Rizal who died with his altruism and valor. It may already sound cliche because it has been an expression to everyone but usually its essence is just disregarded and doesn't even look on to its real meaning.

It’s not an easy responsibility to belong to the group of the youth especially that at present, we are subjected to criticisms. We may not question people’s eyes with their judgments but I came to think, the youth are not always infamous. With others, youth may be considered as a burden because many are still puerile, but if we go deep into it, the youth are the captains of our country. They will be the navigators that will help sail and lead us to our country’s destination and probably are the catalysts of change.

The youth are the upcoming leaders of our nation and so we are trained to become the leaders at a young age. A part of it is the SK Elections where the youth are given the chance to choose from the candidates of who ever deserves the position. We have the freedom not to be dictated but to follow what our minds and hearts are shouting for. With every vote, we are doing our part as the hope of our country, to choose the leaders who will be the models and definitely who will stand as the examples to be a promising one. If we missed our part on the SK Elections, we also did missed half of our right. It is said that it is already the starting point of the change we will be going through.

But before we become the leaders, we should first be the leaders of ourselves because others have nothing to do with it and the control is not theirs but ours. And the change will definitely begin within us before we’ll have the chance to bring change to the society.

Standout, never let ourselves be on the last. We should come out from our shells and show up to everyone that we are a person with enough skills like someone else. Our country is known for its talented and intelligent children and who knows we can be one of them. Discipline, that should permanently be carved on our minds in everything we do, little or huge. And confidence but not complacency because if we wanted to have what we've never had before, we've got to do what we've never done before.

I myself as a part of this nation could contribute to make a change in my own simple way. To lead and not to punish, to help and not to criticize, to share and not to be greedy, to support and not to degrade, to be optimistic and not to be hopeless.

To feed our nation with love and care, to positively face every turbulent situation, to bring vigor to the society and to remember how our heroes fought for our country is like lighting a candle in the midst of darkness which gives hope and faith.

We usually hear the excuses “Sorry, I’m just a person. I can’t bring change”, “I can’t change the world alone”, “We can never help change this country”, instead of throwing these excuses to others, why don’t we take part of the work than pointing our fingers to others while the rest are pointing back on us.

We should get rid of the hatred from one another and have unity without abiding divisions. Let us join hand in hand that we may be called a nation. If we failed before, then we should use it as our guiding light on our way to success. And if we achieve success, it isn't about what we have but what we can make out of what we have.

We say farewell from the past and face the new world with an overwhelming welcome until one day, this nation will reach its zenith and fulfill people’s needs. Let’s work together as one. Judging not with the complexion but with one’s attitude, not with the perfectness of the face but with what’s on our hearts, not with one’s physical appearance but with what resides inside. That tomorrow, black people are friends with white people. That poor are equal with rich, And that destitute people can soar as high as the elite one.

This was my oratorical piece when I was in high school. I wrote this for my oratorical contest. Unfortunately I didn't win the said contest. I guess my preparations weren't enough because I was too busy with other stuff. But I'm sharing it here, it might somehow bring a lesson. I also published it on "DEFINITELY FILIPINO blog, here's the URL just in case :))

http://definitelyfilipino.com/blog/2011/01/01/%E2%80%9Cthe-change-i-want-to-see-begins-with-me-becoming-the-new-filipino%E2%80%9D/

I was also inspired, though it didn't earn much of recognition, I'm glad some people noticed and appreciated it.

Who wouldn't be happy when receiving comments like these? I may not be able to thank you personally but your comments are highly appreciated.

Mind Over Matter

What if we're still together until now? What if I didn't break up with you? What if we kept our relationship despite of all the people who are against our relationship? Would it last? Would it be worth the fight? Would it compensate all the other relationships we sacrificed to be with each other? In every hour of a day, every day of a month and every month of a year, no time passed by without being bothered with these questions on my mind. Even by the people around me who don't exactly know the real story behind ask me why we have to settle in this kind of situation. I couldn't answer them because I myself doesn't know why this happened. Even after a long time since we parted ways, all the things aren't clear yet for me and our relationship still remains vague.

We had a very casual though not perfect relationship. We both know how we deeply love each other that we can't even find the exact words to express it. We've been through so many circumstances with our relationship before we could even decide to settle and commit. You had your girlfriend before me and I had my boyfriend too. We started as friends, as what I think it was. But love really comes in a very unexpected time. Until I woke up realizing that I'm falling for you which at first I tried to stop because it isn't right. I'm in a relationship and you too. I don't want to hurt other people only for my own happiness. I tried hard but I wasn't strong enough to distance myself from you. It's so hard especially when the feeling is mutual. We both know how we love each other and how we are becoming with our own relationships.

We decided to clear things first. I broke up with my boyfriend whom at that time I'm having a problem with because he already has an idea about the thing going on between us. I denied it, that's all I could do. I couldn't accept the fact that I'm leaving him for another, which was you. But even if I hide it, I couldn't lie to myself. I broke up with him, telling him that I'm tired, that I don't want our relationship anymore. But I didn't include you. I never mentioned you as a reason why I'm breaking up with him. Before he leave, he told me how he wishes that I would be happy with you. I saw the pain in his eyes. Yes, I was guilty for doing that but I only have to make a choice and I chose you, I chose to leave him without any assurance if we could be together after this. I told you what happened few days after. You told me you also broke up with your girlfriend who already was confronting me even before on the exact day when I broke up with mine. We were both oblivious, we didn't plan it to happen but it went that way and it seems like we've been a traitor. My feelings were ambivalent, I was happy because I've seen how hard you fought for me, that you are willing to give up all the other commitments you had just for me. But at the same time I was bothered because I know it is a wrong move for the two of us. But what could we do? We love each other so much and we don't care about what other people would think about us. As long as we love each other, we can get through it all. That's what I thought. Nobody told me that love doesn't work like that.

On your exact birthday, we became official. You were already my boyfriend and I was your girlfriend. The feeling was surreal. When you're in love, all you could think of are happy things. That's what I felt. You were my world and I couldn't imagine myself living without you. But the problem is we hid our relationship especially to my family because they don't want us to be together. I told myself and even in front of you that I'm willing to fight for our relationship. But I was clueless about what's gonna happen in the future. I spent most of my time with you before I leave because I'll be going to Manila for good. We kept our promises and plans together. I told you I'll be back. You told me you'll wait. We love each other. Love. Love. Love. That's all I could remember.

Until the day came when I left. We were both sad, it feels like we've been hit by lightning leaving us paralyzed. We were miles apart and I don't know how to shorten the distance between us. I want to see you but I can't. I want to hug you. I want to hear your voice. All we had was a text message, a phone call and an e-mail. But it made a change. At least I know and I'm sure that even if we're not together, nothing has changed from the day I left.

But love doesn't guarantee us a happy ending nor a good love story. There came a day when my Mom knew about our relationship. She got so mad at me to the point that she hurt me physically. I told you I'll fight for you but not if my own family is trying to push me away. My mom asked me to choose, you or my family? I'm still young, I have a good future waiting for me after studying and I couldn't just throw them away. Maybe I got carried away because of my emotions that I forgot about my priorities in life. But because of the nightmare that had happened to me, it reminded me of my promises and commitment to my own family. You can't blame me if I chose them and not you. I'm sure I have an acceptable reason why I did it. We broke up not officially. I couldn't contact you because I was grounded for a month. I know you didn't have any idea that this happened. You only realized it when you stopped receiving messages and calls from me. It lasted for months until I got the chance to talk to you and explain everything. But you know what, I still love you that time. It only happened that I needed to make a choice. But I still love you. I love you. I whisper that every night while tears were flowing from my eyes until I could get a good sleep. I thought love was enough to keep us together, but I was wrong. If the world is against us, love would never be enough.

A month after, I received a news saying that you were already in a relationship. That broke my heart. I couldn't explain the pain, the anguish, the hatred that dominated my heart. All I could remember is that I consider that the worst nightmare that ever happened to me because of you. I know it will happen, it is inevitable. But the point is, I was never able to prepare myself enough for this kind of torture. I'm still on the process of moving on, of forgetting you, of trying to live without you. How could you afford to replace me that easily? What hurts me most is that it was a friend of mine whom you've been into a relationship with. It made me feel like you never was serious to me. It seemed to me like I was one of your collections, it feels like you played with my heart. I asked you before if it was true, the rumors I've been hearing about you and her but you told me it isn't true. I believed you. You even told me that I'm still the one you love. I hold on to those words, and now all those words turned to be lies. 

Every night, I cry. That's the only way I could express how I really feel. I tried to accept the reality because if not I would end up hurting myself. You're happy with another girl while I'm stuck in misery and melancholy. You already moved on but I'm here still in pain. I've been really good in lying to you about how I really feel. I told you that I'm happy for the both of you even if the truth is I'm cursing the two of you. I always tell you that I'm hoping that you too last forever but the truth is I'm hoping that you two break up. I told you to love her and be serious on her even if the truth is that I'm hoping that I'm still the one you love. I lived my life in hatred. I couldn't get away with that.

I needed space. I tried to forget you no matter how hard it is. I continued my life. I studied hard, I devoted my time on school and on the church. I made myself busy just to refrain thinking of you. I joined different organizations in school and made new friends. There I found other people who made me feel that I'm loved, that I have a value, that I have a worth. They made me feel whole again after you broke and pierced me into pieces. I may not have totally moved on but I could say that I feel far better now. I could smile again, I could hear my laugh again, I could crack jokes again. I am me again. The one you took away with you when you left me hanging.

I'm happy with my life now without you. But here you go again. You tell me that you still love me even if you're in a relationship. I won't be fooled anymore with your sugar-coated lies. I'm done. I don't want to go back into that situation where you were my life and I am dependent on you because every time I give my all to you, you would leave me with nothing left for myself. I once believed on you and I don't know if that would ever happen again after learning all the lessons. 

I stood on my own. I lived alone. I fought without anyone to protect me. I went on and continued the journey without you behind me. At first I thought I won't make it, but I did. I conquered all the things without you. That's how tough and strong I am now. And I realized that my world is not only about you. You're not the only person in my life. My life won't stop even without you. And that there are many people out there who would do anything for me just to make me happy. I won't risk them for something that I'm not sure of. 

There are things we have to let go for us to keep going. We have to leave all the heavy burdens we are carrying in order to continue our journey. And I think our relationship is one of those burdens that I would want to let go. Our relationship is one of those things I won't hold on to anymore. I'm afraid of falling in love again. And I am more afraid of falling out of love. For now, it's my family and my studies which is on the top of my priorities. Love will come on the right time. God has His proper time and plan for me. I guess I would just let Him work it out for me because the last time that I deviated from His plans, everything failed. 

From now on, it would always be mind over matter.  That's the reason why our brain is placed on the top and why our heart is placed on the lower part. That is because our brain is more superior. We should use it more often than our heart. Technically, our heart doesn't have anything to do with how we feel. It's the brain which works out on everything. So it's better that we think first before deciding rather than wait for what our heart would tell us. We are living in a real world, it's either you win or you lose. It depends on the choices we make and not on our destiny itself. And this I think is the right choice to make. To forget you and to go on with my life.