My Battle Has Just Begun

I'm not supposed to make a blog about how distressing the past days have been for me but I can't contain it. I want to rant it all out here. 

If you were able to read my previous blogs then you'd know how "Grade Conscious" (GC) I am ever since. They say grades are just numbers, it don't really measure intelligence. I somehow agree with that. But won't you feel elated when people compliment you for being such a good student? Though compliments are not what I'm going after, it's the satisfaction you get after devoting your time for studying. That moment when you could say that all of your hard works and efforts paid off. When everything was all worth it. But just recently, I ended up regretting so many things related to my Acads. Even until now, I still get emotional whenever it touches the corners of my mind.

It started out when I've been constantly getting low grades from my Accounting subject. I blogged about it before. What's disappointing is when you've studied all your ass of til' your head hurts and you'd still get mortifying grades. Isn't that disheartening? And it happened for so many times but I had to get over it. My hopes of being exempted from the Retention Exam languidly disappeared into the air. I didn't maintain my grades and so even after my finals I still needed to study two Accounting subjects that I have taken for two semesters and an additional Logic subject which I had taken when I was a freshman. I needed to open again all those rotten books from my book shelf and indulge into the world of Merchandising, Manufacturing, Cash Flows, Syllogisms, Fallacies and other bullshits. 

But my struggles didn't end there. Just so you know. After passing the exam, (anyway I passed and was still retained in the BSA program) another thing that bothered me was my Scholarship. I needed to maintain a grade of 1.75 on my semestral average which I know is nearly impossible considering having a messed up grade in Accounting. But I didn't lose hope. I was instead hopeful because some of my minor subjects were unbelievably high. Not until the release of grades that I had finally given up. Yeah, just like that, I have lost two of the most important things in my college life.

During that time, I didn't know what to do. My tears were unstoppable, like literally unstoppable. I want the earth to swallow me. I want to vanish. It feels like I'm gonna breakdown. But there's something within me which tells me to be strong. A whisper from nowhere. I went to church and I cried it all out there. And told God, let His will be done.

I'm scared to death. I'm afraid that my Mom might get furious when she gets to know about what had happened. My brothers might be disappointed. What would the others tell me? I'm afraid they might blame me for being preoccupied with dancing. But everything went well. My Mom comforted me and told me I shouldn't worry about it anymore. My brothers too told me that they're still proud because I'm a Dean's Lister. My friends were also very supportive. I think that's enough to lighten the burden that I was carrying. Maybe it's God's way of telling me to smile and move on because everything is under control.

And now I'm totally amazed because two of the most important things in my school life may have slipped away from my grip but the people who are of greater importance to me remained and with a more benevolent ardor for me.

Thank you Lord. It has been a rough road for me but you were there to carry me. It has been a great encumbrance for me but you were there to make me strong. It has been an arduous catastrophe for me but you were there to pull me back to my feet. Vanquishing angst like this wouldn't be possible without you. 

Everything happens for a reason, and now I'm beginning to find the reasons out. I'm grateful for having a God like you in my life. I know words are not enough. Let me prove it more as I continue my journey because my battle has just begun.

Trust Issues

Trust...

Why is this word giving me an unfathomable quandary? 

I trust other people with my feelings loosely and I think that's the very reason why I get hurt easily. Because the moment we give our trust to other people is also the same time when we become vulnerable to different kinds of pain. We take the risk because we believe that that person would care not to hurt us. But people have different mentality and outlook in life. And in this time where our life is a battlefield, we never know who's real and who's not. Sometimes the people we trust the most are the ones who betray us. And I think that's the worst part, being hurt by the people you love. That's why most of the time I prefer to be alone because that's the least way I could be hurt. But that doesn't mean that my life's boring and a plain mess. It also doesn't mean that I'm a coward. It's just that I've learned to put my heart in a refuge because I don't want it to be afflicted again for until now it hasn't totally recovered.

So I'm having this trust issue. But this won't be about me, it's about you.

Know who you trust your feelings with. People at times seem to care but most of the time it's just for a show because they want something from us. Parasites! But I'm not generalizing because there are still those who truly are concerned about how we feel and those are the ones you have to look for.

Never give your all. There should always be a barrier between what they should know and what they should not. There's always a limit for everything and you shouldn't go beyond that. There are things about us that even our closest friend doesn't have the right to know. And I think it's safer that way.

Learn also to keep secrets. If you want people not to break your trust then you should do the same thing. You should be mutually concurring with one another. What goes around comes back around, remember that.

Lastly, be careful of every move or decision you make. Always think beforehand the possible consequences it would lead to. Especially those people who would be involved and who would be affected. You never want to hurt others right? And hurting has never been a good idea, intentionally or obliviously it will never be a right thing to do.

Trust is not gained for a minute, an hour or even a day. It is gradually earned. And once earned, it should be handled conscientiously because once broken the shattered pieces will never be the same again. It may be renewed but never recovered. 

Introversion

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

Thoughts to Ponder

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

Nina's Journey Towards Becoming a Beauty Queen

It's been a month already but it's only now that I get the chance to make a blog about this.

I have never dreamt of becoming a beauty queen. Yes I once thought about trying it out but it has never been a dream for me. Honestly, I'm really not into those type of competitions, as I always brag, it's not my thing. I'm not a beauty queen material either. Why? I don't have the height (I'm only about 5'3 or 5'4), I don't have the body (I'm not going to post my vital statistics here :">), I don't have the looks, I don't have the guts, the confidence, the self-esteem. See! I lack almost all the factors needed to be a beauty queen. Lastly and most importantly, I don't join beauty pageants because I'm afraid of the Q&A Portion. I know! I know! Everyone sees it as the most crucial part of the competition that's why I don't want to experience the same predicament because I know how upsetting it is whenever a contestant isn't able to answer the question well.

But things are transitory. Even if I'm not interested with joining pageants, I had to do it for my College. How's that? I needed to represent my college in a beauty pageant.

IMPACT The Search for The Ideal Thomasian YFC Personality

My photo for Ms. Photogenic. Most likes would get the minor award and apparently it wasn't me because I only had about 460+ facebook likes.

Criteria for Judging :

10 % - Attendance (orientation & rehearsals)

10 % - Piso votes
30 % - Q & A
10 % - Talent
10 % - Audience Impact
10 % - Outfit
20 % - Just be the real YOU :)

Actually, it's more of a Personality Pageant rather than a Beauty Pageant because we were judged based on our character, personality and attitude.

February 22, 2013 the most awaited night :"">

Part 1: Opening and Introduction wearing our Tomasino shirts.

 

Part 2: Uniform Attire and Production Number (Baby)

  

Part 3: Talent Portion (Ballroom)

Here's the link of our performance. Sorry, not that good. We're not totally prepared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roMPo9O_mWE&feature=youtu.be

Part 4: Theme Wear and Q&A
Portion

Here's the link of my Q&A :)))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhIlaWRqfx8

Part 5: Awarding and Coronation

  All out support :"">

                       

First of all, I want to thank God for giving me an opportunity to experience something new, something I never thought I could make. It was my first time but I was able to bag the biggest bacon in the competition. But the crown nor the title doesn't matter much to me. Because I have won  bigger prizes than those. I have met new friends, my co-candidates who were equally friendly and approachable. I have built long lasting relationships with them. I didn't consider them as my competitors but as motivators to strive a bit more. I have proven the love of my friends especially my 2A14 family for they cheered for me all throughout the pageant whenever I go out the stage. Nothing could boost my confidence more than hearing the voices from the audience saying "Go Nina!" with pride and conviction. I was also reunited with my partner in ballroom. Dancing has always been my passion since elementary and it feels good to perform again after a long time so thanks to my partner :) Thank you also to my stylist, ahahahah!! for making me look like a real beauty queen. I know it is a tough task to stay at the backstage and fix everything up in a short time. Thanks to my YFC-AMV family for encouraging me to join and for providing the things I needed especially to our President and Senior Sister. Thank you also to my Mom for inspiring me :) I am totally humbled and exuberant. The feeling is surreal and even after a month, I could still feel cloud nine. 

With that, I, Jenina Pearl L. Gregorio your Ms. YFC-UST 2013 wears the crown not only on her head but in her heart for winning is not merely about the title but the responsibility to take hold of. With the help of God, I know I could prove myself deserving and worthy. That's all :)