My Battle Has Just Begun

I'm not supposed to make a blog about how distressing the past days have been for me but I can't contain it. I want to rant it all out here. 

If you were able to read my previous blogs then you'd know how "Grade Conscious" (GC) I am ever since. They say grades are just numbers, it don't really measure intelligence. I somehow agree with that. But won't you feel elated when people compliment you for being such a good student? Though compliments are not what I'm going after, it's the satisfaction you get after devoting your time for studying. That moment when you could say that all of your hard works and efforts paid off. When everything was all worth it. But just recently, I ended up regretting so many things related to my Acads. Even until now, I still get emotional whenever it touches the corners of my mind.

It started out when I've been constantly getting low grades from my Accounting subject. I blogged about it before. What's disappointing is when you've studied all your ass of til' your head hurts and you'd still get mortifying grades. Isn't that disheartening? And it happened for so many times but I had to get over it. My hopes of being exempted from the Retention Exam languidly disappeared into the air. I didn't maintain my grades and so even after my finals I still needed to study two Accounting subjects that I have taken for two semesters and an additional Logic subject which I had taken when I was a freshman. I needed to open again all those rotten books from my book shelf and indulge into the world of Merchandising, Manufacturing, Cash Flows, Syllogisms, Fallacies and other bullshits. 

But my struggles didn't end there. Just so you know. After passing the exam, (anyway I passed and was still retained in the BSA program) another thing that bothered me was my Scholarship. I needed to maintain a grade of 1.75 on my semestral average which I know is nearly impossible considering having a messed up grade in Accounting. But I didn't lose hope. I was instead hopeful because some of my minor subjects were unbelievably high. Not until the release of grades that I had finally given up. Yeah, just like that, I have lost two of the most important things in my college life.

During that time, I didn't know what to do. My tears were unstoppable, like literally unstoppable. I want the earth to swallow me. I want to vanish. It feels like I'm gonna breakdown. But there's something within me which tells me to be strong. A whisper from nowhere. I went to church and I cried it all out there. And told God, let His will be done.

I'm scared to death. I'm afraid that my Mom might get furious when she gets to know about what had happened. My brothers might be disappointed. What would the others tell me? I'm afraid they might blame me for being preoccupied with dancing. But everything went well. My Mom comforted me and told me I shouldn't worry about it anymore. My brothers too told me that they're still proud because I'm a Dean's Lister. My friends were also very supportive. I think that's enough to lighten the burden that I was carrying. Maybe it's God's way of telling me to smile and move on because everything is under control.

And now I'm totally amazed because two of the most important things in my school life may have slipped away from my grip but the people who are of greater importance to me remained and with a more benevolent ardor for me.

Thank you Lord. It has been a rough road for me but you were there to carry me. It has been a great encumbrance for me but you were there to make me strong. It has been an arduous catastrophe for me but you were there to pull me back to my feet. Vanquishing angst like this wouldn't be possible without you. 

Everything happens for a reason, and now I'm beginning to find the reasons out. I'm grateful for having a God like you in my life. I know words are not enough. Let me prove it more as I continue my journey because my battle has just begun.