Casual and Realistic

I'm not really supposed to make a blog yet. Not questioning the time, I don't really make a blog consistently. I just post when I feel so. Whatever I feel appropriate for my mood. I should really be spending this very moment reading a novel book since it's all I'm doing for this summer whenever I'm home and what's funny about that is I rarely go out because I absolutely abhor the summer heat. Like really really hate it. I don't even find going to outings interesting unless that would include my brothers, but still an inch of me would rather stay inside and read a book to death. And also I hate getting dark, but that's another story. So anyway, a while ago I was browsing for books to read in my book shelf because there are still a lot of books I haven't read yet especially that I received a lot of books as gifts during my debut and finished half of it only within a week.

So while going through the books and reading the summaries, I got confused on what to read because I want to finish them all at the same time and that would take me an eternity to do. And then I saw my little yellow diary which I've been keeping when I started college. I scribbled through the pages and a part of it consist of the text messages of my ex when we were still together which brought me to a halt. One by one I passed my eyes on it and it gave me an irksome feeling. I can't remember writing them one by one with the dates and times taken down per message. I must have had a lot of patience to do that. Reading back all those messages from him brought a lot of memories in the past, memories that I have buried a long time ago. Now, retrieving it once again led tears to fall from my eyes. I am a strong person. I have proven that. But things like this unveil the weakness in me, a flaw I want to hide from other people because it's just so wrong to let other people see the weakness in you, or is it just me who's thinking that way.

Every message was real. The words were sincere. I know for sure those messages all came from the bottom of his heart. From the moment we became official, to that day when I left and he told me that he'll be faithful, he'll wait for the love of his life to come back. There were some messages of him which were unanswered because I don't usually get the chance to hold my phone. He would tell me all the things he's doing from the moment he wakes up until he sleeps even if he didn't receive any replies from me. He did that almost everyday and I felt so special. I felt how much love he had poured on our relationship to make it work. Even during the times that we were already having conflicts and our relationship day by day became complicated, he would still send me sweet messages. Until it had finally ended.

I was crying til' the end. I think it was more stirring than most of the movies I have watched. Of course because I'm involved and it's my past we're talking about that's why. I remember when we were still together, there was no time that we argued about third parties because we were both loyal.  I just don't know what happened when we broke up when I was constantly receiving news about him changing from one girlfriend to another as fast as a person changes mood. That made me feel sorry and guilty because I think I was the reason why he wasted his life. He took his studies for granted, he had different vices and other negative things you could imagine. I don't have the right to intrude his life anymore but him being a person I loved and being the person I imagined spending the rest of my life with, I am really concerned about him. Not that I want to get attached again, of course not, I just don't like the idea of him slowly rotting in failures. That would be a failure for me too.

One time I requested something from him for my debut. I told him that the best gift he could ever give me is his diploma and he did it. At some point I felt proud. I have had random texts from him, getting updates about each others lives but it didn't get that long.We only had few replies and then end of the conversation. I don't want to make a longer conversation with him because I'm afraid I might get to ask him why he has to make two of my closest friend be his girlfriend after we broke up because that's just too stupid having exes from one group of friends. I hope he thought that it might be awkward for the three of us to spend time together knowing that we've had the same ex which is the other's present. That's pretty lame. 

But I don't mind it now though it would sometimes bother me. For me it won't matter anymore because I value my friends more than giving a damn for him. It's hard to act normal but I could be used to it. Now that he and my friend who was like a sister to me are together then I wish them all the best. That's what friends should be asking for each other right?

I know that friend of mine so well that sometimes I feel sorry for her because I think she's wasting her love for a person who's not serious enough. But maybe, maybe I was wrong. Maybe he has changed already. I hope so. Because I don't want my sissy to get hurt just as what he did to the other girls he had relationships with, two to three at a time because I won't mind landing my palm on his face, I mean it. But now that they're sort of working well together then that would be enough for me to finally feel happy for them.

It pains me to see my ex and my close friend be together but it would much more be painful if they'd be miserable all their lives only thinking about how I'm gonna feel. I'm not that important in the scene you know and I would not want to make a scene of my own with them. It's better this way. Casual and realistic.