DILEMMAS

I couldn't exactly fathom how to start this blog because honestly, I feel like I'm gonna breakdown any moment. I feel so weak, so helpless, so frustrated. I'm stressed and depressed. Actually right now, while doing this blog, I'm shedding tears. There's no other way to bring it out. I'm pressured with my grades, yeah, a very mainstream dilemma that a college student like me experiences. It's just that I'm not used at this kind of situation. I have no idea what's happening to me. I can't even answer my friends whenever they ask me what's wrong because they are also not used to it. 

It started out when I got too much concentrated on my dancing career. I joined a college-wide dance competition which was supposed to be held last December but due to some conflicts, it was moved on a latter date. At first, I thought it was a good idea because I'd be able to join the Youth Camp. Until I got to know that it was scheduled a week right after our preliminary week. I thought of quitting. Yeah, it was a hard decision to make basically because we've been practicing our routine for almost a month already. I was confused. It took me days before I could finally decide. I didn't quit. I thought about my group. They've also sacrificed a lot for this competition and they've put so much effort only to make it possible and I could not afford to disappoint them. So I went on even if it means taking my acads for granted. We practiced almost everyday, before our class, after our class, during holidays, during the days which was supposed to be our time for relaxation. We pampered ourselves with stretching, warm-ups, bone-breaking stunts, heart-pounding steps. But all in all it was a great experience being with the people I had only few acquaintances with. It feels good being friends with people who were only random strangers before.

Here's a picture of my group. Our official picture during the competition.

And then the day of the competition came. We gave our all and luckily we were able to bag 2nd Runner Up. Anyway thank you to those who came to watch and cheer for us.

But above all, I treasure the friendship we built and the memories we had together may it be a funny one or heartbreaking scene. I thought it was the end of the story, after all it was already a happy ending. One thing I forgot was that it was only a temporary event of my life. Eventually, I'd be going back to what I used to do which is studying. And there came all my tribulations. I received my grades and yeah they were...HEART CRUSHING :((

I got 76 from my major subject which was Accounting. Huhuhuhuh! So I'm pressured about not being exempted at taking the Retention Exam. My heart's shouting "NO TO RETENTION EXAMS!" but will I be able to do it? Other than that, I also got 75 from my Economics :(( And worst, I got a failing grade of 66 from my prelim exam in Calculus. That's another first for me. First time to get a failing grade. I got 92 from my Literature and 93 from my English. Good enough but it was not my expected grade. I was expecting a grade of 96, I even told myself "Mauuno ko yan!" but I was wrong. I studied, I'm sure about that. It's just that maybe I was absent-minded or maybe I was thinking about other impertinent stuff. And also, I was too complacent that reading my lessons twice is already enough for me even if some parts, I still don't understand well.

So maybe some of my friends were asking me what's wrong. The wrong thing is that I'm not sure if I could still make it. It's not that I don't believe in God's plan, I trust Him! I just don't trust myself whether I could make up from this great great great downfall. Every night I was crying and thinking about my grades, hoping for a miracle to happen. 

I already deactivated my Facebook and Twitter account. I'm too depressed and I don't want to be reading any negative status or rants anymore. It's a waste of time.

At this time, I still didn't inform my Mom about it.What for? It's my problem, I'm not supposed to get her involved. I know she has already so many problems and I don't want to add up anymore. I guess I would just try to keep it to myself for now. I will wait for the right time to tell her, just not now. Please!

But the good thing is that I felt loved and cared for because my friends constantly remind me to be strong and that I can do this. Just now, some of my YFC family gave me pieces of advice and comforted me. One thing I wouldn't forget is when a friend told me "Hindi ka AMV kung di mo mararanasan yan!". It's true. Nobody could define how hard it is to stay in AMV-College of Accountancy unless he/she was able to experience what we're going through. All the pressure and burden launched on our back is not a joke. It is a challenge for a lifetime because it will soon define our future.

For now, I want to focus on my studies because it is my top priority I just hope that I can make it through. With God in me, I'm hoping for a better tomorrow.