Love Issues

I was scribbling my Tumblr account a while ago then I saw a picture quote which says :

Anyway, here's the link of my Tumblr in case you want to stalk me more :">

I find it really funny because I was thinking about blogging this topic this morning because I could definitely relate to this.

Last New Year 2012, I met this guy, a family friend I guess but it was my first time to see him. At first I wasn't really into him even if he's good-looking *kilig smile*. My Mom told me to entertain him for him not to get bored so I talked to him. It was really awkward in the beginning. I don't know how to start our conversation so I introduced myself first. He did the same thing. Then we went out and watched a movie. He's very welcoming so I didn't have a hard time being with him. And there, I instantly had a crush on him. After that day, I went back to my normal life. Then I remembered we were Facebook friends already, and there we started chatting. We had a typical conversation, just like any ordinary person. But not for me, he seemed so special to me that even a simple "hi" from him completes my day. But I kept my feelings from him even if my family already knew that I like him. Who wouldn't? If his picture is my desktop background? I downloaded his pictures on my laptop and stared at them every night, smiling like a fool. I didn't tell him how I felt because he's in love with another girl. *Ouch* He would always tell me about her, one time he even asked me what special thing he could do for her on Valentine's Day. And when they had conflicts (FYI, he's courting her at that time) I would give him pieces of advice to solve it. Yah! I'm that martyr :)) I also don't have the courage to tell him because he might not feel comfortable with that and he might  start to avoid me. I'm happy being his friend. Until now I'm into him but it already seem so impossible for him to fall for me especially that now he's on TV. Yes, he's starting his showbiz career. I'm happy for him because he's starting to fulfill his dreams. He once told me that he wants to be an actor and I think he's already on the bridge of achieving it. I would always include him in my prayers, for his dreams to come to life and hope that he would still stay as he was even if he has a new world now. I'm not sure if he still considers me as a friend anymore, but more likely just a fan now because we rarely communicate to each other. It's hard falling for a guy you know won't love you the same way and that you would just settle being a friend because that's the only way you can be with him. I sublimated my feelings for him because that's what the society tells me to do. I chose it because this is the least way I could be hurt even if at some point I could feel rejection but in an intensity that I could still endure. I don't know how long this would take. At first I thought it was just an ordinary admiration or infatuation but my feelings won't seem to vanish and that bothers me. I'm afraid that this is already LOVE. I don't want a one-direction-love but if I could see even a bit of an opportunity, I would grab it and take a risk.

There's also this guy, whom I treat as my brother because he's a year older. I knew him much because he was my schoolmate when I was in high school. His sister was a close friend of mine. Now that I'm in college, he started showing motives that he likes me. It's not hard to know because it's obvious. Girls see meanings at guys actions easily. It's a gift :) We've spent some time together, we watched a movie, went out, dine together. But I don't see it as a date, for me it's more of a friendly bonding which I know is not what it seems for him. One night he told me about his feelings for me and I don't know how to answer him. I don't want to reject him because that hurts, I myself doesn't want to be rejected. But what should I do? I don't want to lie, I don't want to let him expect that I feel the same because I only see him as a friend, not more than that. So I told him what I really feel. And I assured him that I would stay as his friend no matter what. But my words did have a great impact to him. There's no way I couldn't hurt him. He decided to stay away from me. He blocked me in Facebook and he ignored me on Twitter. I understand, he was hurt. But I couldn't force myself to love him back or pretend to like him, I'm not like that. But just lately, he started talking to me again and apologized for what he did. I told him that I understand why he had to do it. And now we're okay as friends.

It's been almost 2 years when I had my last boyfriend. If you were able to read my blog entitled "Mind over Matter", that was particularly written for him. That was the most serious relationship I had (FYI, he was my 2nd boyfriend). We loved each other so much. Everything was almost perfect. But my Mom didn't want him for me so she told me to break up with him. At first I didn't  listen to her. I hide it. Until one day someone told her about us and she got furiously mad at me and  slapped me on my face. I don't want to enumerate all the other painful things she did to me. After that moment, I got my arms bruised and some parts of my legs darkened. You could just imagine how painful that was. But you know what? The physical pain didn't matter to me, what hurts me most is the thought that my Mom did that to me for the first time. The physical torture, I can still manage that but the trauma it brought to me, I don't know if I could take that. But I'm happy that I have a better relationship with her now. And I thank her because after all, I learned my lessons. But then, if that didn't happen, I wouldn't break up with him because I love him, I'm dead serious about that. I got bothered because he started wasting his life when I broke up with him. I told him to fix his life and he answered yes. He asked me to include him in my prayers because he knows how close I am to God, he just don't know that even after our relationship, I still prayed for him because he means so much to me.

I don't regret anything in my past. But if I was given a chance to bring back the time, there are things that I would do and things that I wouldn't do. But to sum it up, the things that happened in my past make me who I am today. For now I'm single and unavailable. Hihihihih! Nobody owns my heart but God and my family. I don't know why but I enjoy my life being single. Less drama, less pain, less worries. A person can never be happy in a relationship if he/she is not happy with his/her own company. We should first be happy with ourselves because then and only then that we would realize how awesome it is to spend a lifetime with the one God have set for us. In my case, I'm still in the process of knowing myself more and I'm happy with that :)